Attributes of Christian Marriage: Struggles and Hardships

This is the sixth in a series of articles on the attributes of a Christian marriage.

Marriages in the body of Christ should be the best, the most godly, the most biblical marriages on earth. In prior articles, we have investigated the fact that God gave marriage to make us holy, and that love is a decision and not an emotion. Then we began addressing various aspects of a Christian marriage one at a time, covering the need for respect, for prayer, and for perseverance. Proceeding, this article will discuss the need for struggles and hardships. Yes, the need for them. They are part of the very fabric of every good marriage.

If you cut open a cocoon, the butterfly that emerges will never fly. If you help open the eggshell, the chick that emerges will be weak, and will die. The butterfly must struggle to get out of the cocoon. The chick must struggle to break out of the eggshell. Those animals need that struggle to grow strong and viable. It is God’s plan.

Is struggling also a part of God’s plan for His people so they can grow spiritually strong? Should our life be easy? What spiritual opportunities are hidden in our difficulties? Does a life of comfort produce Christian maturity?

What about married life? Should that part of life always be easy? Is there any spiritual benefit to be gained from the tough times, the uncomfortable seasons, and the marital struggles that everyone eventually encounters? In II Corinthians 4:17, Paul calls his sufferings just a light affliction – but an affliction nonetheless. And remember, this man was beaten with rods and with whips, he was stoned and left for dead, he suffered innumerable hardships, but he considered them a light affliction, and knew they were necessary to produce something very valuable.

It seems that marriage is much the same way. Fairy-tale lives are not true. Hollywood movie endings present a false concept. Nobody lives happily ever after. There are tough days and difficult times in every marriage; every single one. But they are part of the refining process; turning raw material into fine gold. Illnesses, financial struggles, family problems, and such are necessary to build the kind of relationship between a husband and a wife that can display the glory of God to the world.

A real, Christian marriage can show the world the redemptive love, the godly patience and the abiding love of God in a very real way. Learning to love and appreciate your spouse, once you realize he or she is not the person you thought they were when dating, is a difficult endeavor. Everyone who is dating has an image in their mind of who the other person is. But reality never matches perception. Marriage is learning who your partner is, and then learning to accept, respect and even love that person. That is sometimes a struggle.

Financial difficulty is a typical part of the struggle. So is child-rearing. Sometimes one marital partner has health issues; sometimes both do. Some of life’s dreams vaporize in the dazzling light of reality. Bickering, arguments, jealousy, different goals, different beliefs, different hobbies and recreation, and different circles of friends can all create hardships. But good marriages are the ones that endure hardships.

A good marriage is not something you find; it is something you build. It is something you must work for. It takes effort – struggle. It is hard work. But so is running in a marathon; yet the reward motivates some people to work hard in order to be prepared to run in that race. For them, it pays off. The struggle makes the man or the woman. So does the struggle make the marriage.

David could not have been as great a king if he had not been hated, mistreated, and persecuted by King Saul. Rejection by man drove Jeremiah closer to God. Paul’s constant rebuffing by his own countrymen made him the apostle to the Gentiles. Every hero of the faith was made and shaped by their struggles. Our faith not only is seen through our struggles, it is formed and refined by them.

Do not run from the struggles of marital life. Gain from them. Let them mature you in Christ and drive you closer to the Lord. When you just cannot communicate with your spouse, talk to the Lord. When keeping your promise is difficult, bear your cross. Let the periodic discord in the marriage be the exercise program that strengthens your spiritual muscles. Endure hardness as a good soldier of the cross. II Timothy 2:3.

This attribute relates closely with the previous one about endurance. Actually, all of the attributes of a Christian marriage are interrelated. To endure implies that there are hardships to be endured. But my focus in this point is not the endurance, but the struggle. Marriages become strong because of the struggles to overcome challenges. Marital difficulties are, by definition, difficult. Married life is not easy; it isn’t supposed to be easy.

Hard times are hard. The death of a child, for instance, can either wreck, or it can strengthen, a marriage. But it will be a difficult time either way. Marriages are either strengthened or weakened by severe financial distress, debilitating sickness, or some foolish and immature act. It is how you respond that matters.

Struggles are good for you. Financial trouble can and should draw a couple closer together. Young people should not expect to start out with just as nice a house, just as nice a car, just as nice furniture, as their parents have. It took those parents 20-30 years to achieve that financial status, and they had to scrimp and save at times. Young married couples sometimes think they should start there, and go too far in debt, and get frustrated in their attempt to have it all. But there is something good and valuable in having to do without, to have to count the cost before going to the grocery store, to saving a dollar here, and having to wish you could afford that vacation.

The race for a happy marriage is a marathon and not a sprint. You have to keep running over the long haul. It is that way with the entire Christian experience; marriage is a part of that for most people. Paul said in I Corinthians 9:24 that you must run, that you may win the prize. And Hebrews 12:1 admonishes us to run with patience, but run.

Try to look at your hardships in a different light. View them as blessed experiences. They were carefully handcrafted for you by God, and filtered through His heart of love, before they reached you. You must need them, or He wouldn’t have given them to you. Look back on your life, especially your life as a follower of the Lord. Have there been any benefits to prior difficulties? Did God bring you through them? Then He will bring you through your marital struggles and hard times as well.